There may be something nasty in the woodshed, or at least there was on Cold Comfort Farm, but not in the garden shed. There is no room. It is packed with the tools of horticultural survival: a lawn-mover, preferably rusting; spade, fork, hoe, hand-tools various, secateurs that pinch your fingers, and boxes filled with useful rubbish. The floor is covered with nearly empty bottles of something that will come in handy, but are never actually used up, as when their contents are needed we buy new.
If an Englishman’s home is his castle, his shed is the keep, the last resort when harsh words have been exchanged; or when unloved relations arrive unexpectedly: “I’m going to look at the lawnmower,” is the cry of a desperate man. If everyone had a shed there would be fewer divorces.
Pottering goes on in sheds; inventing too; and sometimes things polite society would rather ignore: model making; woodwork; perusing esoteric literature.
The architecture of the shed illustrates our social divides. A brand-new perfectly aligned model is frowned upon by the silk-scarved middle-classes; it is arriviste. Like referring to the evening meal as supper, it is posher to have a battered and moss covered version with quaintly cracked window. But owners of both classes look down on those with no shed at all.
More British Institutions
Afternoon Tea
Allotments
April Fools Day
Big Ben
Binge Drinking
Black Cabs
Bonfire Night
British Sense of Humour
Brown Windsor Soup
Burns Night
Cadburys
Castles
Changing the Guard
City of London
Coronation Street
Cowes Week
Cricket
Crufts
Dad’s Army
E-Type Jag
Eccentricity
English Country Garden
Fish and Chips
Fish Fingers
Fox Hunting
Full English Breakfast
Gin and Tonic
Glastonbury
Glorious Goodwood
Grand National
Grouse Shooting
Harrods
Highland Games
Hogmanay
James Bond
John Bull
King Arthur
Land Rover
Lloyds of London
London to Brighton Veteran Car Rally
Marks and Spencer
Monty Python
Morecambe and Wise
Old School Tie
Oxbridge
Panto
Picnics
Pimms
Point-to-Point
Punch and Judy
Queueing
Real Ale
Red Arrows
Red Telephone Boxes
Remembrance Poppies
Robin Hood
Rolls Royce
Royal Ascot
Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo
Savile Row Suits
School Discos
School Sports Day
Seaside Piers
Speakers’ Corner
Stag Nights
Stiff Upper Lip
Strawberries and Cream
Street Markets
Summer Festivals
Sunday Roasts
The Archers
The BBC
The Beano
The Boat Race
The Brass Band
The British Bobby
The Bulldog
The Church of England
The Cup Final
The Curry House
The English Rose
The Garden Shed
The Honours System
The Kilt
The Last Night at the Proms
The London Bus
The Mini
The National Trust
The NHS
The Oak
The Pub
The Queen’s Speech
The Rolling Stones
The Royal Christmas Message
The Spitfire
The V Sign
The Village Fete
The Weather
Travelling Fairs
Trooping the Colour
Village Greens
Wedgwood
Wellington Boots
Wimbledon
Wine Gums
Yeomen of the Guard
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